cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I think my fart just growled at me.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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