i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
