What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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