Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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