You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
