should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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