brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
