if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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