Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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