I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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