Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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