ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
not ubering you a puppy
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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