I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
