my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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