so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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