Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
