Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Randomize
