Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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