Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
COCAINE IS GR8
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
