On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
