The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
