i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
