all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
