I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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