Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
