I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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