No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize
