As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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