Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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