ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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