I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
