hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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