Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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