I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
