Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
