I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
