That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
