I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
