We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
