Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
