i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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