I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
