No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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