Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
