I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I think I just shit out all my problems.
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