we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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