is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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