Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
