the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
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