Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
