Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
