Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
