i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
