My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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